The Flying Imams

I know I’m late to this party–but only a bit later than Dean Barnett, so I don’t feel too badly. As many of you know, six Imams were removed from a US Airways flight out of Minneapolis just over a week ago, for behavior which nervous passengers found unsettling–such as loud public praying in the airport, angry talk about how evil the U.S. was and the injustices inflicted by us on Saddam and the Iraqis, and bizarre requests for seat belt extensions by those who obviously didn’t need them. After their removal from the flight, an investigation cleared them of any wrongdoing, and they later flew home (on another airline) uneventfully. Of course, the usual suspects (read: CAIR) chimed in to protest this obvious injustice, religious discrimination, and racial profiling. No doubt a host of lawsuits will be flying soon, darkening the sky like Qassam rockets during Ramadan.

We’re sorry–we really, really are. No American should be treated this way.

But in the interest of helping our bigoted, infidel, intolerant American minds, allow me to make a few suggestions to our Imam friends to help ensure your future enjoyment and freedom from hassle as you wing your way around our great nation, avoiding those nasty chaffed handcuff wrist marks and the oh-so-burley FBI agents who force you to bow your heads as you get into their patrol cars:

 • It would help us immensely if you could come out and condemn those who fly airplanes into buildings while shouting “Allah Akbar.” Now, please understand, it is not necessary to believe that such people are doing anything wrong–only to say it. Americans are used to people who say one thing while believing something entirely the opposite; in our country, we call them politicians, and we elect them all the time–and give them large bundles of cash to keep in their freezers.

 • Americans typically dress casually when we fly, so you might consider shedding the long white robes and headgear for something more relaxed–like one of those multi-pocketed vests which seem so popular over in the Middle East. Very practical, too: you can keep your Koran .mp3’s on your iPod Nano in one pocket, your copy of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion in another, and still have lots of room for push buttons, timers and wiring. What a blast! You’ll travel in comfort and ease–and arouse a lot less suspicion.

 • We Americans love a good joke–after all, millions of us jammed into theaters to watch Borat announce the Running of the Jews. So perhaps, instead of ostentatious prayers while waiting to board, you could come up with a little humor skit–say, chasing an infidel around the gate area and mock-beheading him. Laughter puts us all at ease, you know.

 • We know those seat belts are uncomfortable, and overly restrictive–and keep you from jumping up suddenly and screaming “Death to the Infidels!” But they’re for your own safety, you know–in the rare likelihood that your flight runs into, like, a building or other tall object.

I’m sure your attorneys will bring you up to speed on your many options to get legal redress for these insults, both to your esteemed reputations and the great faith of Islam. In our country, you have unlimited rights and no responsibilities–unlike many of your Muslim brothers overseas, who don’t have to worry about all this “civil rights” nonsense. It’s one of the many vices of Western culture, like uncovered women, dogs and booze. Once sharia comes, you won’t have to worry any more about such vile things–but in the meantime, you can at least end up with a bundle of cash.

Then you can donate it to your favorite Hezbollah charity–or just keep it in your freezer.

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